At least once every 4-6 weeks I cry. I mean really cry. I let it all out. My frustrations with my limitations, the grief I feel as I watch parts of me fade away, the powerlessness I feel to figure out a solution, and the pain I feel because it’s all so exhausting. Facing a long lasting problem is hard business for anyone. And so I give myself permission to feel how hard it is to have chronic health issues and validate the ache inside. I yell at God. I purge out my hopelessness. I let myself say all of the irrational things that I feel deep down.
Once I’m done purging it all out I run right back to hope and I stay there. I have a time limit on how long I feel sad for myself. Dumping out your heartache is one thing, living as a victim and in pity is another. I’ve tried it in the past -it’s miserable and only makes it all worse. There is life, hope, and joy to be had in this moment.
I keep my mind imagining a hopeful future. I go to friends and have them speak truth over me. I grab ahold of promises for my future. I discipline my mind to not blame God or myself. I do things that make me feel happy. I work out to release endorphins. I go to events even when I feel tired because I know getting out is good for my soul. I think about what I love about people and tell them. I have a million coping mechanisms that I have built so that I can enjoy this season. I’m not waiting for my circumstances to change before I get to come alive.
I’m like a buoy that has a hole in it, and so every now and again I have to dump the water out but I do that so that I can stay afloat. I dump out the heaviness so that my heart can stay pure and light.
Feel your pain, people, but don’t get stuck. Be powerful. I’ve had more joy and laughter in this season than probably my whole life. I’m not defined by the leak. I’m known by how great I am at floating.