I love honesty and vulnerability. Probably because I love truth so much and you can’t get to truth without first being real to yourself and real to others. I grew up having a victim mentality because of things that happened in my childhood. And victim mentality will RUIN your life. It makes everyday events feel traumatizing and gets you stuck in cycles of pain and hurt that you cannot get over. Thankfully, one day my victim mentality got called out and I have been running after that little booger ever since. One thing I have learned on the journey? Taking ownership over your life is the first step to overcoming victim mentality. And the first step to taking ownership over your life? Be crazy honest with yourself.
I have been feeling the need to do that- be crazy honest- but in a more intentional way. So I am purposefully taking time over the next few months to write out the raw stuff happing inside of me and put it out there. I have learned that when one person has the courage to face their insides, it automatically breathes courage on other’s people journeys to do the same.
I’m disconnected from myself. Not completely but definitely more than I want to be. I had to become disconnected. At least that’s how it felt. I have crazy hormone issues and periods that happen constantly –way too constantly. With those glorious hormones comes all kinds of symptoms. And at some point I realized it felt much safer to NOT be present than to be in my body. Checking out is a coping skill. It’s called survival. I’ll just check out – on social media, reading books, watching tv, etc and wait till the hormone cloud passes by.
I do believe in healthy compartmentalization and I think it is great to not get tossed around by hormones when I know my emotions aren’t real. But here’s the thing: surviving is like a weed and once it’s planted it takes over and strangles the life out of any other plant near by. Survival mode keeps you needing to survive. The more checked out I am the more I need to be checked out. That’s why now, not only am I watching tv but I also need to be on my phone as well.
This cycle continues until it starts to actually feel painful to try to be present. I can tell it’s an issue because there is a huge part of my insides that scream, “I don’t want to be present! I don’t want to be in my body!” That voice feels like the kid who is telling her mom that she doesn’t want to hang out with another kid who is bullying her, “Mom, I don’t want to hang out with her. She’s mean and it’s not fun.”
I have lots of compassion on myself. I can tell that little girl, “You are so precious and I love you and want you to feel safe.” However, she has to get present whether she is scared of it or not. She cannot get to healing, joy and love if she doesn’t get connected. Fully connecting means fully feeling the pain and the healing, the ache and the compassion, the sorrow and the joy. None of the answers for the pain exist outside of being present. And so, as part of intentionally working on being in my body, I am feeling and sharing. Step one, check. I also am choosing to stop being on my phone while watching tv. 🙂 Step two, in progress.