Here’s a look into my journey.
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THE UGLY DUCKLING PRAYER
“I didn't know what it felt like to fully be alive until I learned to love myself.”
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WHY WAS I BORN?
"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why." —Mark Twain
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FALLING IN LOVE
People thought we were naïve when we believed our love could change everything.
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TAKING MY POWER BACK
There’s a hefty price for taking ownership of your life. If you don’t like it, it’s your fault.
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NEVER DESPISE SMALL BEGINNINGS
How we define success determines whether we live in hope or hopelessness.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY,
HERE’S 
TIMELINE!
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY,
HERE’S TIMELINE!
THE UGLY DUCKLING PRAYER
Everything about growing up was awkward for me. I had an eye patch, ankle braces, vampire teeth, orthodontic braces for eight years, an out-of-control perm, and blue-tinted glasses. I was nominated for the “What Not to Wear” television show. Why? I wore my bathrobe as a jacket and fashioned other resourceful outfits like that. I had a skin disease that required me to rub Crisco on my arms and wrap them with Saran Wrap at night. I was swimming in shame, overly self-conscious, and well aware of the fact that I wasn’t one of the “cool” kids. I felt tormented and had so much self-hatred that I would have panic attacks.
I looked around to find people who liked themselves, but even those who were attractive and talented and who appeared to have the perfect life didn’t seem satisfied. I thought, if they can’t love themselves, then there is no hope for anyone. And then came the prayer that would shape my life. “If you can teach me how to love myself, I will change the world.” I craved the freedom to fully accept and embrace myself. I knew that unconditional love was so rare that if people saw what it could look like they would be drawn to love and join me on the journey.
That prayer began a life-long pursuit of learning to say yes to love in every moment—the good, the bad, and the ugly. I learned to let go of the idea of perfection, to be kind to myself and to celebrate even the smallest of victories. I learned that self-hatred does not create transformation and that the more wholly I agree with love, the more time and energy I have to enjoy life. Although the lessons in every season have looked different, the result has been the same – fear and shame have been stripped away and love has liberated my heart.
You can learn more about my journey to love here.
WHY WAS I BORN?
My parents tried for years to have children. My mom had several miscarriages—one almost killed her and another sent her into menopause. I was the only child who made it full term. Needless to say, when I was born there was quite a celebration. Though I felt special, I also felt pressure. Being a "miracle" is a lot to live up to.
The first time I can remember wanting to die, I was seven. For the next fifteen years I struggled with depression, anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts. I was angry that I was the child picked to survive. I was angry that God put me on this planet knowing that I would never be good enough, no matter how hard I tried. I begged God to give me a reason to believe life was worth living.
Sometimes profound answers come in very simple packages. My life changed when I was twenty-two and a woman in church prayed for me. I don’t remember what she looked like, what her name was, or even what she said. I just remember that when she prayed I heard God say, “You were born to be loved and to love.”
Those simple words ignited hope in my heart. I began to see that so much pain in my life had come from the religious idea that God was always disappointed, distant, and serious. I thought he cared more about me saving the world and working for him than he did about me as a person. I thought he was always wishing I were “better” already. Because of these beliefs I spent years striving to become perfect and do enough to appease him.
You were born to be loved and to love.
After her prayer my life had a different purpose. The task list I had been living for melted away and so did the guilt and shame. I didn’t need to be perfect or make everyone happy. I didn’t need to fix or save anyone. The only thing left that mattered was to learn to receive love and give it away.
That moment sparked a lifelong hunger to learn and experience everything about the love of God that I possibly can. I’ve found that God is so kind, patient, and full of joy. He is really excited to love all of the places I think are unlovable. He smiles a lot and has a great sense of humor. Becoming aware of God’s affection towards me has transformed me far more than my striving ever did.
You were born to be loved and to love.
To learn more about how the love of God redefined my life, click here.
FALLING IN LOVE
Hands down, Justin is my favorite human. Swoony in love, I call it. He makes me laugh till I cry, and wears an XL Superman t-shirt with tighty-whities for pajamas. What else could someone want from a life partner?!
When Justin and I decided to be more than “just friends,” we also decided to quit our jobs, get married, and travel the U.S. in our truck to figure out this crazy thing called love. To most people, taking a year of life to focus on marriage seemed crazy, but we knew we needed to save our marriage before we could ruin it. There is so much “stuff” to sort out when two people are stuck in a confined space with no ability to avoid, escape, or get distracted. It would be fair to say a lot of poop hit the fan. But, in this season, we set a foundation in our marriage that when things became difficult we would choose love over disconnection.
We have overcome so much together: rage, fear, shame, insecurity, our pasts, victim mentality, sickness, and of course the whole “I'm a woman and you’re a man and we speak completely different languages” thing. However, when you choose someone whose highest value is to learn how to love, you can make it through anything and enjoy the entire process.
People thought we were naïve when we believed our love could change everything. But I can honestly say that Justin’s love has healed me in ways I never dreamed possible.
P.S. Sex. Is. The. Best.
TAKING MY POWER BACK
I once heard “victim mentality” described as the feeling that everything you face is bigger than you and that external circumstances have the power to rule your life. As I heard this description, I immediately recognized that I had been living like a victim.
When I was twelve, an event happened that deeply affected my entire world. It shook everything I once believed to be true and flipped my life upside down…
I started my period.
I know that sounds dramatic, but it actually was. When Aunt Flo came to visit she was determined to overstay her welcome. That’s right, due to a hormone imbalance, I am constantly “flowing” and navigating ALL of the PMS symptoms ALL of the time.
In the midst of trying to survive my hormonal nightmare, during my freshman year in high school I was in a car accident that left me unable to sit or stand for longer than 30 minutes without massive pain. Consequently, the sports I loved were stripped from my life and I spent most of high school in bed.
Even before these events, life had felt hard. I noticed that others seemed to effortlessly accomplish things that were ridiculously challenging for me. I concluded that I must have been born missing something crucial that everyone else had. I was thirty-one before I discovered I have dyslexia.
The combination of my hormone problem, the car wreck, and undiagnosed dyslexia led me to believe that I was weak and fragile—that I would always be tossed to and fro by whatever happened to me. It was easy to feel like situations had the power to dictate my life more than I did.
When I learned about victim mentality, I started to understand that feeling powerless and hopeless is the consequence of my mindset, not of my circumstances. So, I purposely set out to learn how to take ownership of my life.
I realized that I get to choose how I experience my life regardless of circumstances. My body may not cooperate with me, my job may not be perfect, and people may not be nice, but I always have control over my beliefs and actions. Whatever obstacle I face I get to choose hope or hopelessness. No matter how people treat me it’s my choice to love myself or not. Even in sickness I get to choose whether I enjoy life or am miserable. It was in recognizing my ability to make choices that I became powerful.
Learning that I had power no matter what I faced, brought so much hope and momentum in my life. I watched as so many impossible things became possible and so many areas of defeat have turned to areas of victory. Now, my story has been rewritten and every battle I face equips me with more confidence and courage.
You can learn more about the journey of becoming a powerful overcomer here.
NEVER DESPISE SMALL BEGINNINGS
After a series of events, Justin and I found ourselves living in Redding, California. Soon after we arrived in Redding, I had a dream in which I was working at the front desk at Bethel Church. I felt like the dream was significant, but thought it was more symbolic than literal. So, I was very surprised when the office manager at Bethel accidentally called my husband. When she realized it was my husband, she shared that her receptionist had just resigned and she told him I needed to apply. I went in for an interview solely because the events were unfolding exactly as they had in my dream. She instantly felt I was supposed to work there and didn’t even look at the other applications. Clearly, this was a divine appointment. And yet, I wrestled with it for my entire first year there. I kept thinking, “Is this what I am made for? Am I destined to answer phones my whole life?” Dramatic, I know. But it wasn’t about being a receptionist. It was the fact that I couldn’t even imagine a job that I thought would be fulfilling. How do you get somewhere if you don’t even know where it is you are trying to go?!
The tipping point came when my wise husband bluntly pointed out, “The reason this feels so hard for you is because you think you are wrestling with your job. But your real battle is with hopelessness.” The job was not the problem; the problem was my fear of insignificance and my fear of the future. I wanted my surroundings to prove my life had meaning. The truth is, if I had trusted that there was a hopeful future for me, then answering phones wouldn't have been an issue.
Often the seasons in life that feel the least fruitful are the seasons that can provide the most breakthrough. I asked myself, “Am I valuable and lovable even if I never do anything ‘great’?” I decided I was. I resolved that even though I didn’t know how to figure out my future I needed to trust that it wasn’t my responsibility to figure out the “how.” Once my perspective shifted, I could clearly see that the job was not a reflection of my identity or destiny.
A few months after choosing to fully embrace being at the front desk, this thought suddenly popped into my mind, “I will never have to climb my way up any ladder and I will always end up exactly where I am supposed to be.” Within twenty minutes, one of the leaders from Bethel’s ministry school came and asked if I would be interested in a pastoral position. I had never imagined that as an option since I had never attended the school. I was interviewed within the hour and later hired. I was offered a job that “on paper” should have been impossible for me to get. This was in 2011. That same year I shared my story in front of 30 of my students. Within two years, that gathering had grown to 600. My time at the front desk propelled me into everything I am doing now. I speak regularly at Bethel Church, teach at Bethel School of Ministry, and travel the world sharing my story.
