This year I have had so many people come up to me and ask if I am having so much fun and if this is the best year of my life? I just laugh. How do you explain to people that you are in the midst of the best and worst year of your life at the same time?

      Last New Years, I was in the middle of what turned out to be an eight week straight migraine. After that, I found out that I had had Mono and was in the recovery process. I got an infected boil that turned into a MRSA infection, which lead to me being super sick on antibiotics for a month. After that, I had an aggressive form of thrush (a yeast infection in your mouth) that lasted eight weeks. That’s two months of not getting to kiss my wonderful husband. I broke three toes and sprained my ankle; six months later I still can’t fit back into most of my shoes. I threw out my back multiple times for weeks at a time.  All of this was on top of the issue that is the hardest for me, the hormone imbalance- which is similar to the woman with the issue of blood.  The point is, I haven’t felt normal for a long time and the exhaustion in my body has made me have to give up a lot of what I love. Also, on an unrelated note, I had 2 of my best friends move away.  So, if you were to count in tears this has definitely been one of my hardest years.

      One of the huge discoveries of 2015, is that I found out that I am dyslexic. Part of that was incredibly relieving and validating. I finally understand so much of my story and my life. I understood why things that are easy for other people feel so hard for me. I am so proud about how far I have come in the midst of having that limp. The other part of me knows that means there is one more mountain that I have to overcome. I already have a leak I don’t want a limp on top of that.

      In the midst of it all, I have been rich in love. The people around me have been unbelievably kind and gracious. They have held my hand and heart through every moment.  I look at my friends and community here and feel at home. Having great needs helped me see just how loved, supported, and taken care of I am here. This is the first time as an adult that I can tell my full heart is ready to settle somewhere. Finding a landing place is priceless. Therefor, we’re going to look for and buy a home here.

      I look at my husband and couldn’t be more proud. He has found his voice and is radically changing people’s lives. The man who so profoundly transformed my life is now available to the public. It feels so invigorating to see and hear so many stories of how he is impacting people by just being himself. He wrote a FREAKING book.  Not just an easy simple book - a fiction book, where he created his own world and then hid a huge pile of hope and wisdom inside of it. Then, he did a book funding campaign and self published it. Also, he started the coolest podcast ever, the Liberation Project, where he is charming and hysterical and dropping truth bombs like nobody’s business. In his free time he got his website launched and began traveling and speaking with me. It’s his launching year -the beginning of everything he was made for. And nothing could make me happier than to watch the man who has stood behind and championed me get promoted and seen for the strength that he carries.

      This year I have learned about the power of grace. I can truly say I have had more hope, joy and peace than I would have thought possible. I could literally feel heaviness lift when people prayed for me. I could tangibly experience courage from friends. I fully experienced how sometimes the mountain doesn’t move, but your spirit can still come alive. I exercised my hope muscle and it is in the best shape it’s ever been. ;) I learned how to not let my body defeat me and I had amazing experiences. I went to Italy and Singapore, see one of my best friends play live in one of my favorite bands, reconnected with some of my favorite childhood friends, and I worked out more consistently than I ever have. On top of all of that I now know that the Bronco’s back up quarterback will do just fine when Peyton has to retire. I have had the most encounters with truth and visions of wholeness in a single season that I have ever experienced.  I feel more me, centered and encouraged about why I am alive. My heart has been getting healed about healing. Sometimes, the things that are meant to discourage us the most are the very things that throw us forward. It felt like a preparation year. I have been facing things that are vital for me to overcome in order to move forward. Every heartache, fear, and discouragement was like a sling slot being pulled back to shoot me far beyond where I could get without it.

      And yes, I have had some of the coolest opportunities happen. I have seen prayers that I had prayed 16 years ago start becoming fulfilled.  I was able to speak at incredible events, meet with heroes of mine, and was involved with Bethel TV in ways I never dreamed. I did a bunch of episodes on Foundations, a Bethel TV series, I was interviewed by my dear friend, Lauren for four Revival Chats and by Danny Silk for a Culture of Honor DVD curriculum, and I was a part of Dawna DeSilva’s Culture of Hope Series. I was a speaker at Bethel’s Wonder conference, and I am teaching classes every week that I LOVE! I have six interns who I adore. I am traveling at least once a month to speak at some of the coolest conferences and am seeing incredible breakthrough and transformation happen in people’s lives. Between travelling and consulting, I am getting to meet some of the most wonderful people all around the world. It is so rewarding to meet with people, help them partner with love and see what becomes possible. And so, this is me, this year was the worst and the best. Every day was a fight towards hope, but I never lost. I wasn’t overcome. I feel like a badass. I fought hard, my friends fought hard with me, and I didn’t go under. This next year is going to be great and I am going to get to enjoy the spoils of every battle that I fought and won in 2015. 2016- the year of momentum and getting to coast down the mountain that I just climbed.

This week my hubby has been sick, and it’s been one of my favorite weeks of our eight years of marriage. This sounds like I am a heartless wife, but it's actually because this is the first time Justin didn't just push through and actually let me take care of him. He wrote a blog about the power of compassion sharing his process of letting himself be loved, and it made my heart fall for him all over again. It's so important to have needs - nothing feels better and more bonding to my heart than someone letting me love them in their weakness. Go to justinstumvoll.com It's called, "A Sure Fire Solution to Shame." #greatread #studhubs #lovethisman #marriagegetsbetterandbetter #lovegrows #haveneedspeople #beingweakisntweak @justinstumvoll

A Sure-Fire Solution to Shame

        In March of 2015 blood tests revealed I had been living with mono, had adrenal fatigue, had a lazy thyroid gland that was functioning like a 3-legged horse in the Kentucky derby, and had vitamin d and vitamin b burnout. Also, I have symptoms of a borderline diabetic because of the stunted way my body produces insulin, which left me crashing after any meal with carbs, (imagine turkey coma on Thanksgiving day). So what does all this mean?

        Think of a hypothetical powerhouse that supplies the power for an entire city. Now imagine that, slowly over time, the output from the powerhouse was ever so slightly reduced until almost every drop of power was cut off from the city. Because the process was so slow, no one really noticed until one day, they simply had no power at all.

        This was my life, and it lasted two and half years. It crept up on me like a very slow poisoning. The only signs were that I was feeling more and more exhausted, a foggy memory, and an overwhelming anxiety at the idea of spending too much time with people. My wife and all my friends were convinced I was simply letting myself fully be the introvert I always told them I was. (Well my wife was showing more concern than that, but I ignored it, because turning my head the other way on something I couldn’t understand seemed easier than facing the problem head on.)

        Growing up, when it came to sickness, my family functioned like an unstoppable tank. Unless you were pushing up daisies, you didn’t have an excuse to be in bed outside the hours of 9 pm to 6 am. Okay so my parents weren’t the Gestapo, there was some wiggle room, but not much. When it came to body pain, the attitude was “Come on and suck it up, we have things to get done.”

        My wife has had some major sickness in our time together, and I found myself very confused at her request in the beginning of our marriage for compassion when she wasn’t feeling well. Even more confusing was her show of concern towards me when I didn’t feel good. I could be up in the middle of the night vomiting and with great care she would pop into the bathroom to ask me if I was okay and if she could rub my back or do anything to take care of me.

        To her surprise I wasn’t very receptive to her offerings as I told her to “Quit treating me like a baby and go back to bed.” Oh how I have learned from those foolish youthful moments.

        Up until my own two and half-year physical trial, I had my own criticisms and judgments towards those “weak” people that give up and don’t know how to push through. It came out at my wife, (though I did pretty well at masking the depth of my contempt), co-workers, and anyone I deemed a whiney baby. Of course, out of all the people in my life, I showed myself the least compassion. What I discovered is that where compassion has no value shame abounds.

        As my powerhouse shut down I found myself incapable of pushing through. And before I knew what was actually happening, my relationships felt like one flaky failure after another. It began with cancelling hangouts, then not responding to text messages, then avoiding phone calls all together. With every missed birthday, social function, and last minute cancellation, the anxiety grew as I felt more and more like a failure. Soon my life was so foggy that I was missing the birth of my friends’ children and having no idea until months later that they had babies and I hadn’t even congratulated them.

        Without a medical diagnosis, my lack of compassion only beat more shame into me. I had no way of explaining my behavior so I was using one excuse after another for why I “didn’t feel good” and walking away from each moment feeling like I was a terrible friend. An underlying sense of fear kept me from pursuing answers to my problem and a lack of compassion stole my much-needed joy through the shame I was feeling.

        This inability to seek answers kept me trapped feeling sick and isolated me from communicating my experience to the community that deeply loved me. Because of this I missed out on some much needed care and support.

        As I found the answers to my sickness, and have fully recovered, I am left with a well of compassion for those who have found themselves sick and without any answers for themselves. It is through this compassion that I have been able to forgive Justin for his inability to push through and meet others’ expectations. This compassion has taught me to be fully okay with having nothing to offer others as they love me and accept me just as I am. It is this compassion that has produced a great depth of patience for others and for myself. It is this compassion that has broken the shame that weighed me down in this area for almost three years. Compassion empowers patience and understanding. Compassion is the lighthouse that will lead you out of the fog of shame.

        My challenge to you today is that if you can relate to a life of telling yourself and others to suck it up and get over it, take a moment to ask yourself, “Why don’t I have compassion, and how is my lack of compassion empowering shame when I’m not living up to my self-imposed expectations?”

        You might just discover a much-needed key to giving and receiving love in your life.