I love honesty and vulnerability. Probably because I love truth so much and you can’t get to truth without first being real to yourself and real to others. I grew up having a victim mentality because of things that happened in my childhood. And victim mentality will RUIN your life. It makes everyday events feel traumatizing and gets you stuck in cycles of pain and hurt that you cannot get over. Thankfully, one day my victim mentality got called out and I have been running after that little booger ever since. One thing I have learned on the journey? Taking ownership over your life is the first step to overcoming victim mentality. And the first step to taking ownership over your life? Be crazy honest with yourself.

I have been feeling the need to do that- be crazy honest- but in a more intentional way. So I am purposefully taking time over the next few months to write out the raw stuff happing inside of me and put it out there. I have learned that when one person has the courage to face their insides, it automatically breathes courage on other’s people journeys to do the same.

I’m disconnected from myself. Not completely but definitely more than I want to be. I had to become disconnected. At least that’s how it felt. I have crazy hormone issues and periods that happen constantly –way too constantly. With those glorious hormones comes all kinds of symptoms. And at some point I realized it felt much safer to NOT be present than to be in my body. Checking out is a coping skill. It’s called survival. I’ll just check out – on social media, reading books, watching tv, etc and wait till the hormone cloud passes by.

I do believe in healthy compartmentalization and I think it is great to not get tossed around by hormones when I know my emotions aren’t real. But here’s the thing: surviving is like a weed and once it’s planted it takes over and strangles the life out of any other plant near by. Survival mode keeps you needing to survive. The more checked out I am the more I need to be checked out. That's why now, not only am I watching tv but I also need to be on my phone as well.

This cycle continues until it starts to actually feel painful to try to be present. I can tell it’s an issue because there is a huge part of my insides that scream, “I don’t want to be present! I don’t want to be in my body!” That voice feels like the kid who is telling her mom that she doesn’t want to hang out with another kid who is bullying her, "Mom, I don’t want to hang out with her. She’s mean and it’s not fun.”

I have lots of compassion on myself. I can tell that little girl, “You are so precious and I love you and want you to feel safe.” However, she has to get present whether she is scared of it or not. She cannot get to healing, joy and love if she doesn’t get connected. Fully connecting means fully feeling the pain and the healing, the ache and the compassion, the sorrow and the joy. None of the answers for the pain exist outside of being present. And so, as part of intentionally working on being in my body, I am feeling and sharing. Step one, check. I also am choosing to stop being on my phone while watching tv. :) Step two, in progress.

#letsgetreal

Last year was hard – one of my hardest years yet. Too much to go into, but I had to grieve major losses and transitions in pretty much every area of my life. I spent the Christmas break feeling the weight of this past year and mourning all of the things that will never be the same again.

            The last time I had a really hard year was in 2009. When I look back, although it was so painful, it produced more breakthrough and fruit in a short time than I could have imagined. So, I am believing that this last year will launch me forward too. Although I was aware of so much loss I could also sense the beginning signs of new life breaking through.

            It’s taken me a long time to see myself as a capable human being. I grew up feeling smaller than everything – smaller than cooking, cleaning, organizing, business, money, opportunities, other people, etc etc. EVERYTHING in life felt too big for me. When I met Justin, he was the first person to call me out for living like a victim. He basically said, “You can be awesome so learn how to be awesome. Life’s not too hard for you, you can handle it. I’m not going to coddle you because you are a powerful woman even though you can’t see it yet.” Since that loving kick in the butt I have faced fears and grown how I see myself in my minds eye. Feeling like an adult isn’t an age or a onetime event. It’s a series of moments and a perspective shift. It’s taken me nine years, and I can finally tell you that I am at the tipping point of crossing into feeling and seeing myself like a real adult.

            This year, I’m being forced to become an adult. Sometimes life throws things at you that feel bigger than you and you have to grow in order to face them. I was praying that God would remove the mountain in front of me when I heard the whisper in my heart, “You are strong enough.” I instantly knew that some strength doesn’t show up until it is demanded. I can see that this will be the year I rise to the challenge, face life head on, and see how powerful I really am. #soreadyforthis #letsdothisthing #adulting2017 #igotthis

Made you click! Great now that you are here, you should listen to this podcast I was on! Click the link below!   UncommonLegacy

One thing I do everyday to keep myself sane, hopeful and moving forward: I purposefully look for ways that I am winning at life - I celebrate all the little ways I have grown or am living better than I did in the past. Sometimes it's about how much breakthrough I've had from 10yrs ago. Sometimes it's about feeling better than an hour ago. I celebrate every step, inch, or centimeter forward. I refuse to look at how far I need to go - I am too busy honoring my growth. Whatever you focus on magnifies, and I love the momentum of breakthrough being louder than the weight of defeat. Make a list of everything you are better at and wiser in now than 2 years ago and feel proud of yourself.

It’s hard to describe what it feels like to have someone hear your story, apply it to her own life, and then create a stunning visual that so captures the power of love. This video wrecks me every time. Hannah Spangler, thank you for your vulnerability, and your story telling gift. You are so talented. I love what compassion looks like through your eyes. All I can say is wow. Watch it, share it, and tell her how amazing she is!

Paul Young has beautifully captured so much of what the nature of God is truly like. These are a few of my favorite quotes from him. Sometimes knowing who God is not is as important as knowing who God is.

My dear friend Thandi wrote a spoken word poem inspired by a message I spoke about God not being a “Cruel Joke.” She so beautifully and poetically captures what the heart of God is like. Every time I hear it, it makes me like God all over again!

   

You know those days where one bad thing after another happens and you burst out crying in Chipotle? This is one of those. Momentum is great when it’s going in the right direction. Had to play the thankful game over and over again today. I’m thankful for toilet paper. I’m thankful that I have a husband. I’m thankful I have a car and don’t have to hike everywhere I need to go. I’m thankful that I have lived long enough to know that hard seasons always end and nothing last forever. I’m thankful that I can walk. I’m thankful that I have experienced love. I’m thankful for the lady at Chipotle for saying something nice about my hair. I’m thankful there are still good people in the world. I’m thankful for friends I can text and whine to. #hardweekhardweekend #exhasuted #emotionallyandphysically #butstillthankf

I wrote a blog ya’ll and it landed on Bethel Music’s blog! It’s all about how to find hope in every season. “Every circumstance you face can bring you into a more abundant life and into a deeper revelation of the kindness and goodness of God. He is setting you up for success every step of the way.” Here it is: My husband Justin and I are quite traditional. So just like every all-American couple, we had a year-long honeymoon and spent it mostly on four wheels. We toured the country for the first half and landed in LA for part two. Essentially we took a crash course in marriage. Packed into our Chevy Colorado truck were both sets of baggage that we dragged into our marriage. We had so much free time that we could duel it out while unpacking it all. We were the personification of a hot mess. When we finally landed in LA, I heard my husband cry (no seriously, he literally was crying), “What are we doing with our lives?! This is so unproductive. We are making no money and we’re doing nothing towards a career! We are just sitting here doing emotional stuff!” I was so baffled because I thought what we were doing was awesome! I felt it was absolutely the most productive thing that we could be doing. Why did our responses vary so dramatically? Because we had different ideas of what success looked like. At the time, Justin’s idea of success looked like productivity, checklists, life plans, and tangible advances towards a career. My idea of success? I wanted to learn how to live the most abundant life possible. John 10:10 says: “I’ve come that they may have life and have it abundantly.” (ISV) That was my goal, abundant life. I wanted to get rid of my triggers, learn how to better receive and give love, and learn how to do conflict well. I knew that I would need every breakthrough and skill that I was learning in order to be successful in every area for the rest of my life. So, our year-long uprooting process felt like the most productive thing we could do. I felt so much momentum and hope. However Justin, with his unchecked, mile-long list, felt completely hopeless. Your definition of success determines how much value you believe that you have and is directly tied to whether you live in hope or hopelessness. Because we live in a world that celebrates the external, it’s so easy to get swept up in our list of “shoulds”– what we should be doing, where we should be going, how far we should be already. But the truth is, God cares way more about the process than the destination. Just think about the story of Lazarus. Jesus gets word that His dear friend Lazarus is sick and dying. It says in John 11:6 that “when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days.” A few verses later Jesus explains the delay, “Lazarus is dead, and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.” When Jesus and his disciples arrived, they went to the tomb and He called Lazarus back to life. This moment created faith and revealed Jesus’ power and love to everyone involved. He knew that taking time for the process would produce long-lasting impact. Not only did this resurrection show the miraculous power of God and His love for Lazarus and his family, it was also preparing His followers for what was to come. This experience was building their faith that Jesus was the Son of God and that the dead could be raised. Both of which were valuable because Jesus’ death and resurrection was coming soon. Taking the extra two days revealed something about His nature that would not be seen otherwise. I have found that in the seasons where it feels like the least is happening externally, the most can be happening internally. In seasons where we do not understand what we are doing, where we are going, or how this part of our lives will tie into the bigger picture, we are often gaining the very tools and experiences we will need to get us where we are going. It has been eight years since Justin and I got married. Looking back, we see that so much fear, torment, and shame got ripped out of our hearts during that season, and that made room for us to receive so much more love, joy, and peace. In terms of abundant life, we were so successful. And unbeknownst to us at the time, that year equipped us with the tools and strategies that would eventually launch us into our life work. If you are willing to rethink your definition of success—replacing the external checklist of “shoulds” with a value for the process of learning and growing—you will start to feel successful in every season of your life. The more successful you feel, the more you will experience the momentum of hope. Every circumstance you face can bring you into a more abundant life and into a deeper revelation of the kindness and goodness of God. He is setting you up for success every step of the way.

Today is my 8th anniversary. Normally I would write up a tribute to my most wonderful husband... Today however, I am going to post an email that my husband received because it sums up the man that I married perfectly: "I just finished listening to your wife speak at the Heaven Come conference. She was fantastic. But more of the most impactful parts of her message was watching you. About half way through her message, from the back of the auditorium, I noticed you standing off stage watching your wife. It was a blessing to me to watch you. You were clearly in awe of your wife. I caught a moment of you loving your wife when I am sure you didn't think anyone was watching. Thank you." Justin, you love when no one is watching. You cheered when no one was cheering. 10 years ago you told me that one day I would feel comfortable enough in my own skin to speak in front of 1000's of people and teach them about how to love themselves. I laughed as I thought it was completely impossible. I am who I am today because you caught vision for me, championed me and wouldn't let me give up on myself. Your love has changed everything in my life. ‪#‎besthusbandever ‪#‎lovealwayswins ‪#‎heavencomeconference ‪#‎inaweofyou ‪#‎idpickyouagainandagain ‪#‎iwonthejackpot