Let’s just say I was given the chance to spend 80 minutes with any person alive today. I would choose someone that I already know. And I would choose them again and again and again. This person is what God must look like in human form. Today I got 80 minutes to talk with him on the phone and it was more precious than gold. If you have ever read “The Shack,” a plump black woman named “Papa” helps the readers imagine what God must be like and how wonderful God must be. This person is my “papa” - the human I think of to remember how kind God is. They are the person I remember when I need to figure out what humility and grace would look like in a situation. They are the person I imagine when I think of whom I want to become. There is a quote I often think about, “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” When I interact with this “papa” in my life it is like liquid love and freedom washing over me at the same time. I have such permission to be me and I am challenged by the presence of love to be more “me” than I was before. I will never forget how tangible grace feels in his presence. But, I also won’t forget what he says and what he does. Because his words and actions echo love so loud that you can’t forget them. These are the scribbles of notes I was taking today during our conversation. Think of the kindest person you know. God is more kind than that. "The only time you will find God in a box is because he wants to be where we are.” –Paul Young  

Allow me to show you one of the men who has changed my life the most. @johnnyredbird is my brother and his love saved me from so much heart ache and prevented me from making so many bad decisions. His love healed me so that I could choose a husband that loves me so well. For years he would come into my room and sing me to sleep and then sneak out once I had drifted off. And every time I visit home, he still comes over and sings me to sleep and then sneaks out and drives back to his house. 
I used to ask him to write me a song all of the time because I love his music so much. He always said he would as soon as he felt authentic inspiration. Years went by - waiting for that inspiration... I moved out to CA and he went to Thailand. While he was gone I got my heart completely broken. While he was gone he finally got hit with inspiration. Without knowing anything that was happening in my life he wrote the perfect song. When we both got back to CO, he recorded the song for me and held me while I sobbed in his arms listening to it. The whole song was written about how I would be loved extravagantly. "You'll be loved like you always have dreamed. You'll find your soul is not a typical thing. You'll think to yourself, 'Oh this is much too much for me!' Don't worry you will be loved." And a few months later I fell in love and married @justinstumvoll, who has loved me in every way the song said he would. 
Johnny, you have been such a faithful, loving, consistent, giving, thoughtful man. I could say a million more things - and you know it because I do all the time. But mostly, thank you for being tangible love. The kind of love that transforms you and that heals you. This is him singing that song to me again a few nights ago, serenading me to sleep. ‪#‎jesuswithskinon ‪#‎gavemehope ‪#‎luckygirl ‪#‎lovemyfam ‪#‎thelightinglookedsorad ‪#‎fullfullfullheart ‪#‎mushypost ‪#‎goodmenstillexist

This week was rough. But, today I was overwhelmed by the kindness of strangers at the airport and in the airplane. It reminded me how you never know what someone is going through in life and how a kind remark or a sweet gesture can be so meaningful. To the uber driver who was a pastor that was so nice to us and gave us his cell number in case we ever needed anything, thank you. To the lady in the security line who yelled at me that she liked my hair, thank you. To the lady running the security line who was making jokes and being fun and lively, thank you. To the man who came up to me in the food line and complemented me without being creepy, thank you. To the woman making the announcements that was so sweet and loving when I had to ask a question, thank you. To the worker at the restaurant who called me darling, thank you. To the passengers who were sitting next to me, held my stuff, helped me get situated, made sure I was ok when I was motion sick, and let me put my glass on their tray, thank you. I cried yesterday because this week has been so hard. I cried today because of the goodness of strangers. We should all remember how powerful just a small gesture can be. #thankfulforsweetmoments #itsthelittlethings #sometimesjustasmile #canchangepeoplesday    

  Since I was a little girl, all I ever wanted was an older brother. In fact, I didn’t pine after boys wanting to date them; I only cared about finding a surrogate older brother. I dreamed that he would love to hang out with me, be super protective, and make sure I was ok. He would be the type of guy I could go to if I got into any sticky situations and he would help me sort it out. When I was around 17, the dream older brother came into my life. He was smart, kind, and willing to take care of me - which I needed because I was in the middle of a complete emotional breakdown. We even had a talk where he said that he loved having me in his life as a little sister. It was everything I had always wanted, and I let down my walls. Two months later he told me he had lied to me and in reality he liked me and wanted to date me. I was confused but followed him along the journey, after all he was years older than me and so he must know better. One week later he told me "never mind.” That began a 3-year cycle of co-dependency, confusion, and pain. When that relationship finally blew up – enough that I could no longer put the pieces back together- I decided to kill the dream of an older brother altogether. But this isn’t a story about ‘broken dreams guy’ this is a story about a person who brought redemption in my life after that painful season. I first met Josh when I was 8 and he was 2. He was the cutest ‘lil tyke. The most vibrant memory I have was when I was giving him a bath (he was a toddler) and he pooped in the bathtub. I didn’t even know that was an option until then. I grew up with Josh and he was like a brother to me - a much younger brother. I moved in with his family in the same season that I was recovering from my confusing 3-year relationship. Josh used to wrestle me to the ground and fart on me. At one point I was in a dance production and needed to practice and so he spent hours dancing with me in the basement. He and his brother would do Pilates with me. I would laugh so hard from his commentary and how often he farted that I couldn’t exercise. (Although laughing till I cried still felt like an effective ab work out.) We would go to parties and he would want to hang out with me even though we hung out all of the time at home. When we played games that I was obviously not good at he would still pick me first to be on his team. Josh would run ahead to open every door for me. He was always looking out for me and was very opinionated when it came to how people treated me. He would ask me about the guys I was interested in and tell me they weren’t good enough for me. He would demand that I had a better standard for myself. Looking back, I see how sometimes the things we desire the most come in very unexpected packages. If we don’t have eyes to see it we can miss the richness of answered prayers. Josh was 15 when I was 21 and yet he became the older brother that I had always prayed for. The way he protected and loved me healed my heart. His affirmation and support helped me dream again. To many he could have been just an annoying teenager but to me he set the standard of how I should be treated and gave me the courage to wait for a man who would radically love me. We often think we know what our hearts need the most, and what that should look like. However, life has so many surprises for us. If you let go of expectations about how things should be, let go of disappointments when things don’t turn out the way you thought they would, and learn to stay open to love, you will find that every season has beautiful gifts hidden in the most unlikely of places.

Several years ago, my friend’s husband died unexpectedly. I vividly remember one post she made during her grieving process. It was about how you may never know the depths of what someone you encounter may be going through. A few weeks ago another friend lost her child. I couldn’t help thinking about how if I didn’t know her and I passed by her in a store I would have no idea what she had just walked through. Wouldn’t it be horrible if I were not kind to someone who was already going through so much?

           I have often had days where health issues were really affecting me. No one would know what I was fighting through to just be “normal.” On those days I think, “Man, I hope people don’t judge me on this one moment. I may be giving all I have to survive and yet the people around me can’t see that.” In those moments what I need most is kindness and compassion.

           It is so easy to judge the grumpy cashier, the frazzled mom, and the extra loud stranger without knowing any of their heartache.

           I keep feeling a need this Christmas to be intentional with compassion -to not assume the worst about people. Be extra patient, see people through eyes of love, and to be kind in a way that brings joy to people no matter what they are facing.

Seven years ago today I was having the most beautiful, love drenched encounter with Justin,friends and family at our wedding… I remember for years I had so many fears about marriage and who my husband would be. If only I could have told myself when I was young, “Don’t worry, your husband will be better at loving you than anyone ever has. He will lay down his life to make sure you are coming alive and thriving. He will empower you to be the best version of you there is, not dominate you. Don’t be afraid, he will be tender, kind, and compassionate. Your heart will feel the safest it’s ever felt. Don’t worry, he will not be a pansy! He will be fierce and powerful. You will feel fought for and protected. His wild side and adventurous spirit will keep you vibrant. You will laugh and have more hope, fun and joy than you can imagine. Don’t worry, he will unconditionally love, accept, approve, and affirm you. He will find your flaws endearing and cute. He will soften your heart not harden it. You will understand more of God’s kindness and nearness because your husband will feel like a tangible representation of His love. Don’t worry, he is waaaaaaaayyyyyy better looking than you believe you would ever get. You will instantly be drawn to him and attraction will never be an issue! He will be cute, sexy, and endearing. His sexuality won’t steal from you it will heal you.  And finally I would have told a younger version of me, “You have spent years hoping, praying, and day dreaming and yet none of those dreams, visions or imaginations will be as good as the reality of what you will experience. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it will be easy, but even the hard seasons will be better than what you thought marriage could ever be.” Thank you for partnering with me and choosing to set our lives towards letting perfect love beat out all of our fear. Thank you for wanting love to win as much I do. Thank you for choosing to push everything that hinders love out of the way with me. Thank you for making love the most important thing. #happy7 #lovelovelove  

Wait till you hear about this trip!!!! It has seriously been exactly like a Chevy Chase vacation movie. A jillion things went wrong and yet I had the time of my life! I laughed sooooo much. ??? I broke my permanent retainer, I got a black eye from an allergic reaction to gluten. I was in two different car accidents, was almost driven off a hill, watched a car hit multiple things five feet in front of me, and was in a scooter accident on the highway, where I broke three toes, sprained my ankle, and had lots of bruising. After that, I fell and the scooter landed on me because I was trying not to use my injured foot, while driving the scooter out of a huge storm. After the foot injury, it also got ran into by someone, and then I got dropped on that foot on a rocky trail. I got 2 boils and cut my hand on a piece of broken glass while emptying out the trash. I had the worst allergies I've EVER had every day -mucus everywhere, bloodshot eyes- and I got a sinus infection. I had an allergic reaction in a restaurant, my eyes got swollen and I had to leave the restaurant and eat outside. And I'm pretty sure I saw a dead person.

           And you know what I learned? In life, you are out of control, you never know what will and will not happen, but if you have someone to love you through it and laugh at the absurdity of it all, even the hard stuff can help you come alive. It can either be frustrating or a glorious adventure. Trusting that it will all work out enables you to enjoy the ride instead of getting mad at what you can't control. It's all about laughing often, never giving up, and finding the fun in every moment.#lovedtheadventure #happyheart#feelingalive

Today was one of those days - the kind where I get to the end of the day and the big win is that I got out of bed. I did stuff. It wasn't the most productive day, but I didn't cave in and go lay on the couch all day (which is what my internal world wanted.) I went to physical therapy and then taught a class. I may have almost cried at chipotle for no reason other than pms. I may have had to end my meetings early because my back is out and I had to go to the chiro. But I still cooked dinner, and I haven't let my hormone thoughts take me to a dark place. So while I wish I would have gotten more done, I feel so thankful for not quitting. Sometimes that is all you need for a win.

At least once every 4-6 weeks I cry. I mean really cry. I let it all out. My frustrations with my limitations, the grief I feel as I watch parts of me fade away, the powerlessness I feel to figure out a solution, and the pain I feel because it’s all so exhausting. Facing a long lasting problem is hard business for anyone. And so I give myself permission to feel how hard it is to have chronic health issues and validate the ache inside. I yell at God. I purge out my hopelessness. I let myself say all of the irrational things that I feel deep down.

        Once I’m done purging it all out I run right back to hope and I stay there. I have a time limit on how long I feel sad for myself. Dumping out your heartache is one thing, living as a victim and in pity is another. I’ve tried it in the past -it’s miserable and only makes it all worse. There is life, hope, and joy to be had in this moment.

        I keep my mind imagining a hopeful future. I go to friends and have them speak truth over me. I grab ahold of promises for my future. I discipline my mind to not blame God or myself. I do things that make me feel happy. I work out to release endorphins. I go to events even when I feel tired because I know getting out is good for my soul. I think about what I love about people and tell them. I have a million coping mechanisms that I have built so that I can enjoy this season. I’m not waiting for my circumstances to change before I get to come alive.

        I’m like a buoy that has a hole in it, and so every now and again I have to dump the water out but I do that so that I can stay afloat. I dump out the heaviness so that my heart can stay pure and light.

        Feel your pain, people, but don’t get stuck. Be powerful. I’ve had more joy and laughter in this season than probably my whole life. I’m not defined by the leak. I’m known by how great I am at floating.

#feelinggreattoday #imsogoodatfloating#everydaywins

This year I have had so many people come up to me and ask if I am having so much fun and if this is the best year of my life? I just laugh. How do you explain to people that you are in the midst of the best and worst year of your life at the same time?

      Last New Years, I was in the middle of what turned out to be an eight week straight migraine. After that, I found out that I had had Mono and was in the recovery process. I got an infected boil that turned into a MRSA infection, which lead to me being super sick on antibiotics for a month. After that, I had an aggressive form of thrush (a yeast infection in your mouth) that lasted eight weeks. That’s two months of not getting to kiss my wonderful husband. I broke three toes and sprained my ankle; six months later I still can’t fit back into most of my shoes. I threw out my back multiple times for weeks at a time.  All of this was on top of the issue that is the hardest for me, the hormone imbalance- which is similar to the woman with the issue of blood.  The point is, I haven’t felt normal for a long time and the exhaustion in my body has made me have to give up a lot of what I love. Also, on an unrelated note, I had 2 of my best friends move away.  So, if you were to count in tears this has definitely been one of my hardest years.

      One of the huge discoveries of 2015, is that I found out that I am dyslexic. Part of that was incredibly relieving and validating. I finally understand so much of my story and my life. I understood why things that are easy for other people feel so hard for me. I am so proud about how far I have come in the midst of having that limp. The other part of me knows that means there is one more mountain that I have to overcome. I already have a leak I don’t want a limp on top of that.

      In the midst of it all, I have been rich in love. The people around me have been unbelievably kind and gracious. They have held my hand and heart through every moment.  I look at my friends and community here and feel at home. Having great needs helped me see just how loved, supported, and taken care of I am here. This is the first time as an adult that I can tell my full heart is ready to settle somewhere. Finding a landing place is priceless. Therefor, we’re going to look for and buy a home here.

      I look at my husband and couldn’t be more proud. He has found his voice and is radically changing people’s lives. The man who so profoundly transformed my life is now available to the public. It feels so invigorating to see and hear so many stories of how he is impacting people by just being himself. He wrote a FREAKING book.  Not just an easy simple book - a fiction book, where he created his own world and then hid a huge pile of hope and wisdom inside of it. Then, he did a book funding campaign and self published it. Also, he started the coolest podcast ever, the Liberation Project, where he is charming and hysterical and dropping truth bombs like nobody’s business. In his free time he got his website launched and began traveling and speaking with me. It’s his launching year -the beginning of everything he was made for. And nothing could make me happier than to watch the man who has stood behind and championed me get promoted and seen for the strength that he carries.

      This year I have learned about the power of grace. I can truly say I have had more hope, joy and peace than I would have thought possible. I could literally feel heaviness lift when people prayed for me. I could tangibly experience courage from friends. I fully experienced how sometimes the mountain doesn’t move, but your spirit can still come alive. I exercised my hope muscle and it is in the best shape it’s ever been. ;) I learned how to not let my body defeat me and I had amazing experiences. I went to Italy and Singapore, see one of my best friends play live in one of my favorite bands, reconnected with some of my favorite childhood friends, and I worked out more consistently than I ever have. On top of all of that I now know that the Bronco’s back up quarterback will do just fine when Peyton has to retire. I have had the most encounters with truth and visions of wholeness in a single season that I have ever experienced.  I feel more me, centered and encouraged about why I am alive. My heart has been getting healed about healing. Sometimes, the things that are meant to discourage us the most are the very things that throw us forward. It felt like a preparation year. I have been facing things that are vital for me to overcome in order to move forward. Every heartache, fear, and discouragement was like a sling slot being pulled back to shoot me far beyond where I could get without it.

      And yes, I have had some of the coolest opportunities happen. I have seen prayers that I had prayed 16 years ago start becoming fulfilled.  I was able to speak at incredible events, meet with heroes of mine, and was involved with Bethel TV in ways I never dreamed. I did a bunch of episodes on Foundations, a Bethel TV series, I was interviewed by my dear friend, Lauren for four Revival Chats and by Danny Silk for a Culture of Honor DVD curriculum, and I was a part of Dawna DeSilva’s Culture of Hope Series. I was a speaker at Bethel’s Wonder conference, and I am teaching classes every week that I LOVE! I have six interns who I adore. I am traveling at least once a month to speak at some of the coolest conferences and am seeing incredible breakthrough and transformation happen in people’s lives. Between travelling and consulting, I am getting to meet some of the most wonderful people all around the world. It is so rewarding to meet with people, help them partner with love and see what becomes possible. And so, this is me, this year was the worst and the best. Every day was a fight towards hope, but I never lost. I wasn’t overcome. I feel like a badass. I fought hard, my friends fought hard with me, and I didn’t go under. This next year is going to be great and I am going to get to enjoy the spoils of every battle that I fought and won in 2015. 2016- the year of momentum and getting to coast down the mountain that I just climbed.