I love honesty and vulnerability. Probably because I love truth so much and you can’t get to truth without first being real to yourself and real to others. I grew up having a victim mentality because of things that happened in my childhood. And victim mentality will RUIN your life. It makes everyday events feel traumatizing and gets you stuck in cycles of pain and hurt that you cannot get over. Thankfully, one day my victim mentality got called out and I have been running after that little booger ever since. One thing I have learned on the journey? Taking ownership over your life is the first step to overcoming victim mentality. And the first step to taking ownership over your life? Be crazy honest with yourself.

I have been feeling the need to do that- be crazy honest- but in a more intentional way. So I am purposefully taking time over the next few months to write out the raw stuff happing inside of me and put it out there. I have learned that when one person has the courage to face their insides, it automatically breathes courage on other’s people journeys to do the same.

I’m disconnected from myself. Not completely but definitely more than I want to be. I had to become disconnected. At least that’s how it felt. I have crazy hormone issues and periods that happen constantly –way too constantly. With those glorious hormones comes all kinds of symptoms. And at some point I realized it felt much safer to NOT be present than to be in my body. Checking out is a coping skill. It’s called survival. I’ll just check out – on social media, reading books, watching tv, etc and wait till the hormone cloud passes by.

I do believe in healthy compartmentalization and I think it is great to not get tossed around by hormones when I know my emotions aren’t real. But here’s the thing: surviving is like a weed and once it’s planted it takes over and strangles the life out of any other plant near by. Survival mode keeps you needing to survive. The more checked out I am the more I need to be checked out. That's why now, not only am I watching tv but I also need to be on my phone as well.

This cycle continues until it starts to actually feel painful to try to be present. I can tell it’s an issue because there is a huge part of my insides that scream, “I don’t want to be present! I don’t want to be in my body!” That voice feels like the kid who is telling her mom that she doesn’t want to hang out with another kid who is bullying her, "Mom, I don’t want to hang out with her. She’s mean and it’s not fun.”

I have lots of compassion on myself. I can tell that little girl, “You are so precious and I love you and want you to feel safe.” However, she has to get present whether she is scared of it or not. She cannot get to healing, joy and love if she doesn’t get connected. Fully connecting means fully feeling the pain and the healing, the ache and the compassion, the sorrow and the joy. None of the answers for the pain exist outside of being present. And so, as part of intentionally working on being in my body, I am feeling and sharing. Step one, check. I also am choosing to stop being on my phone while watching tv. 🙂 Step two, in progress.

#letsgetreal

Last year was hard – one of my hardest years yet. Too much to go into, but I had to grieve major losses and transitions in pretty much every area of my life. I spent the Christmas break feeling the weight of this past year and mourning all of the things that will never be the same again.

            The last time I had a really hard year was in 2009. When I look back, although it was so painful, it produced more breakthrough and fruit in a short time than I could have imagined. So, I am believing that this last year will launch me forward too. Although I was aware of so much loss I could also sense the beginning signs of new life breaking through.

            It’s taken me a long time to see myself as a capable human being. I grew up feeling smaller than everything – smaller than cooking, cleaning, organizing, business, money, opportunities, other people, etc etc. EVERYTHING in life felt too big for me. When I met Justin, he was the first person to call me out for living like a victim. He basically said, “You can be awesome so learn how to be awesome. Life’s not too hard for you, you can handle it. I’m not going to coddle you because you are a powerful woman even though you can’t see it yet.” Since that loving kick in the butt I have faced fears and grown how I see myself in my minds eye. Feeling like an adult isn’t an age or a onetime event. It’s a series of moments and a perspective shift. It’s taken me nine years, and I can finally tell you that I am at the tipping point of crossing into feeling and seeing myself like a real adult.

            This year, I’m being forced to become an adult. Sometimes life throws things at you that feel bigger than you and you have to grow in order to face them. I was praying that God would remove the mountain in front of me when I heard the whisper in my heart, “You are strong enough.” I instantly knew that some strength doesn’t show up until it is demanded. I can see that this will be the year I rise to the challenge, face life head on, and see how powerful I really am. #soreadyforthis #letsdothisthing #adulting2017 #igotthis

My heart hurts. It hurts the way it did every time a shooting happened this year. When the black lives matter campaign came out and then there was so much controversy and division over it. It hurts because the nation is bleeding and instead of people being kind to each other and promising to hold each other’s hand through the pain we are throwing stones at one another. It hurts because everyone is feeling attacked, everyone is feeling scared and yet we are choosing anger to deal with the pain instead of vulnerability. There have been many times that presidents were elected who had perspectives that scared me. What I am thankful for is that America created our government to be a system of checks and balances. The house and senate can stop things and we can impeach presidents if they do behavior that is unconstitutional. Not only that, but we haven’t had presidents from one party maintain office for long enough in a row to fulfill their agenda. Which means we are doing a dance that is keeping things somewhat balanced between the two parties. IE Trump will probably undo some things Obama did, just like Obama undid some of the things Bush did. Even if you are scared of a candidate, so far in our nations history things can always change. Ultimately, our government is set up to protect America from tyrannical and unconstitutional rule. What our government is not set up to do is protect our people from themselves.

           It’s confusing to me that liberals are hating those they disagree with because they believe that conservatives hate people they disagree with. It’s so easy to get caught up in the cycle of fear and blame and now everyone is hating each other. No president has the power to make us hate each other. That is entirely our right and our choice.

           These past 2 years have been filled with division over racism and we had a black President. I am in no way blaming Mr Obama but reiterating that the wounds, pain and anger we are experiencing are not because of the President. We the people have individual liberty. We are being victims to believe that any President can make us hate each other. We are being victims when we hate each other and blame politics or a candidate for it.

           During this election, both campaigns were designed to get us to dislike each other and take sides. To cause fear that makes us passionate enough to divide and polarize us. To make us believe that the other candidate will completely destroy us and so we must do whatever we can to stop them. And we bit the bait. We took up the cause and decided this election was worth being uncivil, mean and threatening in order to bully people into believing the same as us. We decided that because politicians were playing dirty we should too. Whether democrat, republican or independent, everyone has lost in this election because of how we have responded. So, this is my commitment: I will not judge you on the color of your skin, your age, your sex, your weight, or your vote. I will not judge you if f you see the world differently than me. I will remember that at one point Hillary and Obama were aggressive adversaries and yet a few years later cheering each other on. So no relationship is worth ending even in stressful moments. I will remember that I need you and the country needs all of us. A divided country at war with each other will do more damage than either of the opponents could do. We do not need to unite under a president but we do need to unite under the belief that every human deserves respect even in the midst of disagreement.

           If President Trump is truly racist, sexist, xenophobic, and misogynist and creates policies that empower those beliefs, I will gladly stand and peacefully protest alongside of anyone who is willing to do the same.

           Please do not get this confused: anti Trump is not equal to anti hate. Anti Hillary is not equal to anti hate. Love, respect, kindness and honor are anti hate. The only way to end the hate cycle is choose love even in the midst of pain. We are better than what we have been doing. We can love better. We can honor each other and see more than a political affiliation when we look at each other. We can remember that we all want America to be the best that it can be. Our part is not to tear down others to make America great. We can be better than that. We can be gracious, compassionate, and understanding towards those who are different than us.

Made you click! Great now that you are here, you should listen to this podcast I was on! Click the link below!   UncommonLegacy

One thing I do everyday to keep myself sane, hopeful and moving forward: I purposefully look for ways that I am winning at life - I celebrate all the little ways I have grown or am living better than I did in the past. Sometimes it's about how much breakthrough I've had from 10yrs ago. Sometimes it's about feeling better than an hour ago. I celebrate every step, inch, or centimeter forward. I refuse to look at how far I need to go - I am too busy honoring my growth. Whatever you focus on magnifies, and I love the momentum of breakthrough being louder than the weight of defeat. Make a list of everything you are better at and wiser in now than 2 years ago and feel proud of yourself.

It’s hard to describe what it feels like to have someone hear your story, apply it to her own life, and then create a stunning visual that so captures the power of love. This video wrecks me every time. Hannah Spangler, thank you for your vulnerability, and your story telling gift. You are so talented. I love what compassion looks like through your eyes. All I can say is wow. Watch it, share it, and tell her how amazing she is!

Paul Young has beautifully captured so much of what the nature of God is truly like. These are a few of my favorite quotes from him. Sometimes knowing who God is not is as important as knowing who God is.

My dear friend Thandi wrote a spoken word poem inspired by a message I spoke about God not being a “Cruel Joke.” She so beautifully and poetically captures what the heart of God is like. Every time I hear it, it makes me like God all over again!

   

You know those days where one bad thing after another happens and you burst out crying in Chipotle? This is one of those. Momentum is great when it’s going in the right direction. Had to play the thankful game over and over again today. I’m thankful for toilet paper. I’m thankful that I have a husband. I’m thankful I have a car and don’t have to hike everywhere I need to go. I’m thankful that I have lived long enough to know that hard seasons always end and nothing last forever. I’m thankful that I can walk. I’m thankful that I have experienced love. I’m thankful for the lady at Chipotle for saying something nice about my hair. I’m thankful there are still good people in the world. I’m thankful for friends I can text and whine to. #hardweekhardweekend #exhasuted #emotionallyandphysically #butstillthankf

I wrote a blog ya’ll and it landed on Bethel Music’s blog! It’s all about how to find hope in every season. “Every circumstance you face can bring you into a more abundant life and into a deeper revelation of the kindness and goodness of God. He is setting you up for success every step of the way.” Here it is: My husband Justin and I are quite traditional. So just like every all-American couple, we had a year-long honeymoon and spent it mostly on four wheels. We toured the country for the first half and landed in LA for part two. Essentially we took a crash course in marriage. Packed into our Chevy Colorado truck were both sets of baggage that we dragged into our marriage. We had so much free time that we could duel it out while unpacking it all. We were the personification of a hot mess. When we finally landed in LA, I heard my husband cry (no seriously, he literally was crying), “What are we doing with our lives?! This is so unproductive. We are making no money and we’re doing nothing towards a career! We are just sitting here doing emotional stuff!” I was so baffled because I thought what we were doing was awesome! I felt it was absolutely the most productive thing that we could be doing. Why did our responses vary so dramatically? Because we had different ideas of what success looked like. At the time, Justin’s idea of success looked like productivity, checklists, life plans, and tangible advances towards a career. My idea of success? I wanted to learn how to live the most abundant life possible. John 10:10 says: “I’ve come that they may have life and have it abundantly.” (ISV) That was my goal, abundant life. I wanted to get rid of my triggers, learn how to better receive and give love, and learn how to do conflict well. I knew that I would need every breakthrough and skill that I was learning in order to be successful in every area for the rest of my life. So, our year-long uprooting process felt like the most productive thing we could do. I felt so much momentum and hope. However Justin, with his unchecked, mile-long list, felt completely hopeless. Your definition of success determines how much value you believe that you have and is directly tied to whether you live in hope or hopelessness. Because we live in a world that celebrates the external, it’s so easy to get swept up in our list of “shoulds”– what we should be doing, where we should be going, how far we should be already. But the truth is, God cares way more about the process than the destination. Just think about the story of Lazarus. Jesus gets word that His dear friend Lazarus is sick and dying. It says in John 11:6 that “when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days.” A few verses later Jesus explains the delay, “Lazarus is dead, and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.” When Jesus and his disciples arrived, they went to the tomb and He called Lazarus back to life. This moment created faith and revealed Jesus’ power and love to everyone involved. He knew that taking time for the process would produce long-lasting impact. Not only did this resurrection show the miraculous power of God and His love for Lazarus and his family, it was also preparing His followers for what was to come. This experience was building their faith that Jesus was the Son of God and that the dead could be raised. Both of which were valuable because Jesus’ death and resurrection was coming soon. Taking the extra two days revealed something about His nature that would not be seen otherwise. I have found that in the seasons where it feels like the least is happening externally, the most can be happening internally. In seasons where we do not understand what we are doing, where we are going, or how this part of our lives will tie into the bigger picture, we are often gaining the very tools and experiences we will need to get us where we are going. It has been eight years since Justin and I got married. Looking back, we see that so much fear, torment, and shame got ripped out of our hearts during that season, and that made room for us to receive so much more love, joy, and peace. In terms of abundant life, we were so successful. And unbeknownst to us at the time, that year equipped us with the tools and strategies that would eventually launch us into our life work. If you are willing to rethink your definition of success—replacing the external checklist of “shoulds” with a value for the process of learning and growing—you will start to feel successful in every season of your life. The more successful you feel, the more you will experience the momentum of hope. Every circumstance you face can bring you into a more abundant life and into a deeper revelation of the kindness and goodness of God. He is setting you up for success every step of the way.

Today is my 8th anniversary. Normally I would write up a tribute to my most wonderful husband... Today however, I am going to post an email that my husband received because it sums up the man that I married perfectly: "I just finished listening to your wife speak at the Heaven Come conference. She was fantastic. But more of the most impactful parts of her message was watching you. About half way through her message, from the back of the auditorium, I noticed you standing off stage watching your wife. It was a blessing to me to watch you. You were clearly in awe of your wife. I caught a moment of you loving your wife when I am sure you didn't think anyone was watching. Thank you." Justin, you love when no one is watching. You cheered when no one was cheering. 10 years ago you told me that one day I would feel comfortable enough in my own skin to speak in front of 1000's of people and teach them about how to love themselves. I laughed as I thought it was completely impossible. I am who I am today because you caught vision for me, championed me and wouldn't let me give up on myself. Your love has changed everything in my life. ‪#‎besthusbandever ‪#‎lovealwayswins ‪#‎heavencomeconference ‪#‎inaweofyou ‪#‎idpickyouagainandagain ‪#‎iwonthejackpot    

Let’s just say I was given the chance to spend 80 minutes with any person alive today. I would choose someone that I already know. And I would choose them again and again and again. This person is what God must look like in human form. Today I got 80 minutes to talk with him on the phone and it was more precious than gold. If you have ever read “The Shack,” a plump black woman named “Papa” helps the readers imagine what God must be like and how wonderful God must be. This person is my “papa” - the human I think of to remember how kind God is. They are the person I remember when I need to figure out what humility and grace would look like in a situation. They are the person I imagine when I think of whom I want to become. There is a quote I often think about, “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” When I interact with this “papa” in my life it is like liquid love and freedom washing over me at the same time. I have such permission to be me and I am challenged by the presence of love to be more “me” than I was before. I will never forget how tangible grace feels in his presence. But, I also won’t forget what he says and what he does. Because his words and actions echo love so loud that you can’t forget them. These are the scribbles of notes I was taking today during our conversation. Think of the kindest person you know. God is more kind than that. "The only time you will find God in a box is because he wants to be where we are.” –Paul Young  

Allow me to show you one of the men who has changed my life the most. @johnnyredbird is my brother and his love saved me from so much heart ache and prevented me from making so many bad decisions. His love healed me so that I could choose a husband that loves me so well. For years he would come into my room and sing me to sleep and then sneak out once I had drifted off. And every time I visit home, he still comes over and sings me to sleep and then sneaks out and drives back to his house. 
I used to ask him to write me a song all of the time because I love his music so much. He always said he would as soon as he felt authentic inspiration. Years went by - waiting for that inspiration... I moved out to CA and he went to Thailand. While he was gone I got my heart completely broken. While he was gone he finally got hit with inspiration. Without knowing anything that was happening in my life he wrote the perfect song. When we both got back to CO, he recorded the song for me and held me while I sobbed in his arms listening to it. The whole song was written about how I would be loved extravagantly. "You'll be loved like you always have dreamed. You'll find your soul is not a typical thing. You'll think to yourself, 'Oh this is much too much for me!' Don't worry you will be loved." And a few months later I fell in love and married @justinstumvoll, who has loved me in every way the song said he would. 
Johnny, you have been such a faithful, loving, consistent, giving, thoughtful man. I could say a million more things - and you know it because I do all the time. But mostly, thank you for being tangible love. The kind of love that transforms you and that heals you. This is him singing that song to me again a few nights ago, serenading me to sleep. ‪#‎jesuswithskinon ‪#‎gavemehope ‪#‎luckygirl ‪#‎lovemyfam ‪#‎thelightinglookedsorad ‪#‎fullfullfullheart ‪#‎mushypost ‪#‎goodmenstillexist

This week was rough. But, today I was overwhelmed by the kindness of strangers at the airport and in the airplane. It reminded me how you never know what someone is going through in life and how a kind remark or a sweet gesture can be so meaningful. To the uber driver who was a pastor that was so nice to us and gave us his cell number in case we ever needed anything, thank you. To the lady in the security line who yelled at me that she liked my hair, thank you. To the lady running the security line who was making jokes and being fun and lively, thank you. To the man who came up to me in the food line and complemented me without being creepy, thank you. To the woman making the announcements that was so sweet and loving when I had to ask a question, thank you. To the worker at the restaurant who called me darling, thank you. To the passengers who were sitting next to me, held my stuff, helped me get situated, made sure I was ok when I was motion sick, and let me put my glass on their tray, thank you. I cried yesterday because this week has been so hard. I cried today because of the goodness of strangers. We should all remember how powerful just a small gesture can be. #thankfulforsweetmoments #itsthelittlethings #sometimesjustasmile #canchangepeoplesday    

  Since I was a little girl, all I ever wanted was an older brother. In fact, I didn’t pine after boys wanting to date them; I only cared about finding a surrogate older brother. I dreamed that he would love to hang out with me, be super protective, and make sure I was ok. He would be the type of guy I could go to if I got into any sticky situations and he would help me sort it out. When I was around 17, the dream older brother came into my life. He was smart, kind, and willing to take care of me - which I needed because I was in the middle of a complete emotional breakdown. We even had a talk where he said that he loved having me in his life as a little sister. It was everything I had always wanted, and I let down my walls. Two months later he told me he had lied to me and in reality he liked me and wanted to date me. I was confused but followed him along the journey, after all he was years older than me and so he must know better. One week later he told me "never mind.” That began a 3-year cycle of co-dependency, confusion, and pain. When that relationship finally blew up – enough that I could no longer put the pieces back together- I decided to kill the dream of an older brother altogether. But this isn’t a story about ‘broken dreams guy’ this is a story about a person who brought redemption in my life after that painful season. I first met Josh when I was 8 and he was 2. He was the cutest ‘lil tyke. The most vibrant memory I have was when I was giving him a bath (he was a toddler) and he pooped in the bathtub. I didn’t even know that was an option until then. I grew up with Josh and he was like a brother to me - a much younger brother. I moved in with his family in the same season that I was recovering from my confusing 3-year relationship. Josh used to wrestle me to the ground and fart on me. At one point I was in a dance production and needed to practice and so he spent hours dancing with me in the basement. He and his brother would do Pilates with me. I would laugh so hard from his commentary and how often he farted that I couldn’t exercise. (Although laughing till I cried still felt like an effective ab work out.) We would go to parties and he would want to hang out with me even though we hung out all of the time at home. When we played games that I was obviously not good at he would still pick me first to be on his team. Josh would run ahead to open every door for me. He was always looking out for me and was very opinionated when it came to how people treated me. He would ask me about the guys I was interested in and tell me they weren’t good enough for me. He would demand that I had a better standard for myself. Looking back, I see how sometimes the things we desire the most come in very unexpected packages. If we don’t have eyes to see it we can miss the richness of answered prayers. Josh was 15 when I was 21 and yet he became the older brother that I had always prayed for. The way he protected and loved me healed my heart. His affirmation and support helped me dream again. To many he could have been just an annoying teenager but to me he set the standard of how I should be treated and gave me the courage to wait for a man who would radically love me. We often think we know what our hearts need the most, and what that should look like. However, life has so many surprises for us. If you let go of expectations about how things should be, let go of disappointments when things don’t turn out the way you thought they would, and learn to stay open to love, you will find that every season has beautiful gifts hidden in the most unlikely of places.

Several years ago, my friend’s husband died unexpectedly. I vividly remember one post she made during her grieving process. It was about how you may never know the depths of what someone you encounter may be going through. A few weeks ago another friend lost her child. I couldn’t help thinking about how if I didn’t know her and I passed by her in a store I would have no idea what she had just walked through. Wouldn’t it be horrible if I were not kind to someone who was already going through so much?

           I have often had days where health issues were really affecting me. No one would know what I was fighting through to just be “normal.” On those days I think, “Man, I hope people don’t judge me on this one moment. I may be giving all I have to survive and yet the people around me can’t see that.” In those moments what I need most is kindness and compassion.

           It is so easy to judge the grumpy cashier, the frazzled mom, and the extra loud stranger without knowing any of their heartache.

           I keep feeling a need this Christmas to be intentional with compassion -to not assume the worst about people. Be extra patient, see people through eyes of love, and to be kind in a way that brings joy to people no matter what they are facing.

Seven years ago today I was having the most beautiful, love drenched encounter with Justin,friends and family at our wedding… I remember for years I had so many fears about marriage and who my husband would be. If only I could have told myself when I was young, “Don’t worry, your husband will be better at loving you than anyone ever has. He will lay down his life to make sure you are coming alive and thriving. He will empower you to be the best version of you there is, not dominate you. Don’t be afraid, he will be tender, kind, and compassionate. Your heart will feel the safest it’s ever felt. Don’t worry, he will not be a pansy! He will be fierce and powerful. You will feel fought for and protected. His wild side and adventurous spirit will keep you vibrant. You will laugh and have more hope, fun and joy than you can imagine. Don’t worry, he will unconditionally love, accept, approve, and affirm you. He will find your flaws endearing and cute. He will soften your heart not harden it. You will understand more of God’s kindness and nearness because your husband will feel like a tangible representation of His love. Don’t worry, he is waaaaaaaayyyyyy better looking than you believe you would ever get. You will instantly be drawn to him and attraction will never be an issue! He will be cute, sexy, and endearing. His sexuality won’t steal from you it will heal you.  And finally I would have told a younger version of me, “You have spent years hoping, praying, and day dreaming and yet none of those dreams, visions or imaginations will be as good as the reality of what you will experience. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it will be easy, but even the hard seasons will be better than what you thought marriage could ever be.” Thank you for partnering with me and choosing to set our lives towards letting perfect love beat out all of our fear. Thank you for wanting love to win as much I do. Thank you for choosing to push everything that hinders love out of the way with me. Thank you for making love the most important thing. #happy7 #lovelovelove  

Wait till you hear about this trip!!!! It has seriously been exactly like a Chevy Chase vacation movie. A jillion things went wrong and yet I had the time of my life! I laughed sooooo much. ??? I broke my permanent retainer, I got a black eye from an allergic reaction to gluten. I was in two different car accidents, was almost driven off a hill, watched a car hit multiple things five feet in front of me, and was in a scooter accident on the highway, where I broke three toes, sprained my ankle, and had lots of bruising. After that, I fell and the scooter landed on me because I was trying not to use my injured foot, while driving the scooter out of a huge storm. After the foot injury, it also got ran into by someone, and then I got dropped on that foot on a rocky trail. I got 2 boils and cut my hand on a piece of broken glass while emptying out the trash. I had the worst allergies I've EVER had every day -mucus everywhere, bloodshot eyes- and I got a sinus infection. I had an allergic reaction in a restaurant, my eyes got swollen and I had to leave the restaurant and eat outside. And I'm pretty sure I saw a dead person.

           And you know what I learned? In life, you are out of control, you never know what will and will not happen, but if you have someone to love you through it and laugh at the absurdity of it all, even the hard stuff can help you come alive. It can either be frustrating or a glorious adventure. Trusting that it will all work out enables you to enjoy the ride instead of getting mad at what you can't control. It's all about laughing often, never giving up, and finding the fun in every moment.#lovedtheadventure #happyheart#feelingalive

Today was one of those days - the kind where I get to the end of the day and the big win is that I got out of bed. I did stuff. It wasn't the most productive day, but I didn't cave in and go lay on the couch all day (which is what my internal world wanted.) I went to physical therapy and then taught a class. I may have almost cried at chipotle for no reason other than pms. I may have had to end my meetings early because my back is out and I had to go to the chiro. But I still cooked dinner, and I haven't let my hormone thoughts take me to a dark place. So while I wish I would have gotten more done, I feel so thankful for not quitting. Sometimes that is all you need for a win.

At least once every 4-6 weeks I cry. I mean really cry. I let it all out. My frustrations with my limitations, the grief I feel as I watch parts of me fade away, the powerlessness I feel to figure out a solution, and the pain I feel because it’s all so exhausting. Facing a long lasting problem is hard business for anyone. And so I give myself permission to feel how hard it is to have chronic health issues and validate the ache inside. I yell at God. I purge out my hopelessness. I let myself say all of the irrational things that I feel deep down.

        Once I’m done purging it all out I run right back to hope and I stay there. I have a time limit on how long I feel sad for myself. Dumping out your heartache is one thing, living as a victim and in pity is another. I’ve tried it in the past -it’s miserable and only makes it all worse. There is life, hope, and joy to be had in this moment.

        I keep my mind imagining a hopeful future. I go to friends and have them speak truth over me. I grab ahold of promises for my future. I discipline my mind to not blame God or myself. I do things that make me feel happy. I work out to release endorphins. I go to events even when I feel tired because I know getting out is good for my soul. I think about what I love about people and tell them. I have a million coping mechanisms that I have built so that I can enjoy this season. I’m not waiting for my circumstances to change before I get to come alive.

        I’m like a buoy that has a hole in it, and so every now and again I have to dump the water out but I do that so that I can stay afloat. I dump out the heaviness so that my heart can stay pure and light.

        Feel your pain, people, but don’t get stuck. Be powerful. I’ve had more joy and laughter in this season than probably my whole life. I’m not defined by the leak. I’m known by how great I am at floating.

#feelinggreattoday #imsogoodatfloating#everydaywins

This year I have had so many people come up to me and ask if I am having so much fun and if this is the best year of my life? I just laugh. How do you explain to people that you are in the midst of the best and worst year of your life at the same time?

      Last New Years, I was in the middle of what turned out to be an eight week straight migraine. After that, I found out that I had had Mono and was in the recovery process. I got an infected boil that turned into a MRSA infection, which lead to me being super sick on antibiotics for a month. After that, I had an aggressive form of thrush (a yeast infection in your mouth) that lasted eight weeks. That’s two months of not getting to kiss my wonderful husband. I broke three toes and sprained my ankle; six months later I still can’t fit back into most of my shoes. I threw out my back multiple times for weeks at a time.  All of this was on top of the issue that is the hardest for me, the hormone imbalance- which is similar to the woman with the issue of blood.  The point is, I haven’t felt normal for a long time and the exhaustion in my body has made me have to give up a lot of what I love. Also, on an unrelated note, I had 2 of my best friends move away.  So, if you were to count in tears this has definitely been one of my hardest years.

      One of the huge discoveries of 2015, is that I found out that I am dyslexic. Part of that was incredibly relieving and validating. I finally understand so much of my story and my life. I understood why things that are easy for other people feel so hard for me. I am so proud about how far I have come in the midst of having that limp. The other part of me knows that means there is one more mountain that I have to overcome. I already have a leak I don’t want a limp on top of that.

      In the midst of it all, I have been rich in love. The people around me have been unbelievably kind and gracious. They have held my hand and heart through every moment.  I look at my friends and community here and feel at home. Having great needs helped me see just how loved, supported, and taken care of I am here. This is the first time as an adult that I can tell my full heart is ready to settle somewhere. Finding a landing place is priceless. Therefor, we’re going to look for and buy a home here.

      I look at my husband and couldn’t be more proud. He has found his voice and is radically changing people’s lives. The man who so profoundly transformed my life is now available to the public. It feels so invigorating to see and hear so many stories of how he is impacting people by just being himself. He wrote a FREAKING book.  Not just an easy simple book - a fiction book, where he created his own world and then hid a huge pile of hope and wisdom inside of it. Then, he did a book funding campaign and self published it. Also, he started the coolest podcast ever, the Liberation Project, where he is charming and hysterical and dropping truth bombs like nobody’s business. In his free time he got his website launched and began traveling and speaking with me. It’s his launching year -the beginning of everything he was made for. And nothing could make me happier than to watch the man who has stood behind and championed me get promoted and seen for the strength that he carries.

      This year I have learned about the power of grace. I can truly say I have had more hope, joy and peace than I would have thought possible. I could literally feel heaviness lift when people prayed for me. I could tangibly experience courage from friends. I fully experienced how sometimes the mountain doesn’t move, but your spirit can still come alive. I exercised my hope muscle and it is in the best shape it’s ever been. 😉 I learned how to not let my body defeat me and I had amazing experiences. I went to Italy and Singapore, see one of my best friends play live in one of my favorite bands, reconnected with some of my favorite childhood friends, and I worked out more consistently than I ever have. On top of all of that I now know that the Bronco’s back up quarterback will do just fine when Peyton has to retire. I have had the most encounters with truth and visions of wholeness in a single season that I have ever experienced.  I feel more me, centered and encouraged about why I am alive. My heart has been getting healed about healing. Sometimes, the things that are meant to discourage us the most are the very things that throw us forward. It felt like a preparation year. I have been facing things that are vital for me to overcome in order to move forward. Every heartache, fear, and discouragement was like a sling slot being pulled back to shoot me far beyond where I could get without it.

      And yes, I have had some of the coolest opportunities happen. I have seen prayers that I had prayed 16 years ago start becoming fulfilled.  I was able to speak at incredible events, meet with heroes of mine, and was involved with Bethel TV in ways I never dreamed. I did a bunch of episodes on Foundations, a Bethel TV series, I was interviewed by my dear friend, Lauren for four Revival Chats and by Danny Silk for a Culture of Honor DVD curriculum, and I was a part of Dawna DeSilva’s Culture of Hope Series. I was a speaker at Bethel’s Wonder conference, and I am teaching classes every week that I LOVE! I have six interns who I adore. I am traveling at least once a month to speak at some of the coolest conferences and am seeing incredible breakthrough and transformation happen in people’s lives. Between travelling and consulting, I am getting to meet some of the most wonderful people all around the world. It is so rewarding to meet with people, help them partner with love and see what becomes possible. And so, this is me, this year was the worst and the best. Every day was a fight towards hope, but I never lost. I wasn’t overcome. I feel like a badass. I fought hard, my friends fought hard with me, and I didn’t go under. This next year is going to be great and I am going to get to enjoy the spoils of every battle that I fought and won in 2015. 2016- the year of momentum and getting to coast down the mountain that I just climbed.

This week my hubby has been sick, and it’s been one of my favorite weeks of our eight years of marriage. This sounds like I am a heartless wife, but it's actually because this is the first time Justin didn't just push through and actually let me take care of him. He wrote a blog about the power of compassion sharing his process of letting himself be loved, and it made my heart fall for him all over again. It's so important to have needs - nothing feels better and more bonding to my heart than someone letting me love them in their weakness. Go to justinstumvoll.com It's called, "A Sure Fire Solution to Shame." #greatread #studhubs #lovethisman #marriagegetsbetterandbetter #lovegrows #haveneedspeople #beingweakisntweak @justinstumvoll

A Sure-Fire Solution to Shame

        In March of 2015 blood tests revealed I had been living with mono, had adrenal fatigue, had a lazy thyroid gland that was functioning like a 3-legged horse in the Kentucky derby, and had vitamin d and vitamin b burnout. Also, I have symptoms of a borderline diabetic because of the stunted way my body produces insulin, which left me crashing after any meal with carbs, (imagine turkey coma on Thanksgiving day). So what does all this mean?

        Think of a hypothetical powerhouse that supplies the power for an entire city. Now imagine that, slowly over time, the output from the powerhouse was ever so slightly reduced until almost every drop of power was cut off from the city. Because the process was so slow, no one really noticed until one day, they simply had no power at all.

        This was my life, and it lasted two and half years. It crept up on me like a very slow poisoning. The only signs were that I was feeling more and more exhausted, a foggy memory, and an overwhelming anxiety at the idea of spending too much time with people. My wife and all my friends were convinced I was simply letting myself fully be the introvert I always told them I was. (Well my wife was showing more concern than that, but I ignored it, because turning my head the other way on something I couldn’t understand seemed easier than facing the problem head on.)

        Growing up, when it came to sickness, my family functioned like an unstoppable tank. Unless you were pushing up daisies, you didn’t have an excuse to be in bed outside the hours of 9 pm to 6 am. Okay so my parents weren’t the Gestapo, there was some wiggle room, but not much. When it came to body pain, the attitude was “Come on and suck it up, we have things to get done.”

        My wife has had some major sickness in our time together, and I found myself very confused at her request in the beginning of our marriage for compassion when she wasn’t feeling well. Even more confusing was her show of concern towards me when I didn’t feel good. I could be up in the middle of the night vomiting and with great care she would pop into the bathroom to ask me if I was okay and if she could rub my back or do anything to take care of me.

        To her surprise I wasn’t very receptive to her offerings as I told her to “Quit treating me like a baby and go back to bed.” Oh how I have learned from those foolish youthful moments.

        Up until my own two and half-year physical trial, I had my own criticisms and judgments towards those “weak” people that give up and don’t know how to push through. It came out at my wife, (though I did pretty well at masking the depth of my contempt), co-workers, and anyone I deemed a whiney baby. Of course, out of all the people in my life, I showed myself the least compassion. What I discovered is that where compassion has no value shame abounds.

        As my powerhouse shut down I found myself incapable of pushing through. And before I knew what was actually happening, my relationships felt like one flaky failure after another. It began with cancelling hangouts, then not responding to text messages, then avoiding phone calls all together. With every missed birthday, social function, and last minute cancellation, the anxiety grew as I felt more and more like a failure. Soon my life was so foggy that I was missing the birth of my friends’ children and having no idea until months later that they had babies and I hadn’t even congratulated them.

        Without a medical diagnosis, my lack of compassion only beat more shame into me. I had no way of explaining my behavior so I was using one excuse after another for why I “didn’t feel good” and walking away from each moment feeling like I was a terrible friend. An underlying sense of fear kept me from pursuing answers to my problem and a lack of compassion stole my much-needed joy through the shame I was feeling.

        This inability to seek answers kept me trapped feeling sick and isolated me from communicating my experience to the community that deeply loved me. Because of this I missed out on some much needed care and support.

        As I found the answers to my sickness, and have fully recovered, I am left with a well of compassion for those who have found themselves sick and without any answers for themselves. It is through this compassion that I have been able to forgive Justin for his inability to push through and meet others’ expectations. This compassion has taught me to be fully okay with having nothing to offer others as they love me and accept me just as I am. It is this compassion that has produced a great depth of patience for others and for myself. It is this compassion that has broken the shame that weighed me down in this area for almost three years. Compassion empowers patience and understanding. Compassion is the lighthouse that will lead you out of the fog of shame.

        My challenge to you today is that if you can relate to a life of telling yourself and others to suck it up and get over it, take a moment to ask yourself, “Why don’t I have compassion, and how is my lack of compassion empowering shame when I’m not living up to my self-imposed expectations?”

        You might just discover a much-needed key to giving and receiving love in your life.